Last weekend was one of the hardest we've had since this all started. Susan's birthday was just around the corner, so we made plans to celebrate it on Saturday. At first, it seemed to go well. I made crepes, with a cream cheese filling, that went over smashingly. After lunch, Susan took a nap, because migraines exist, and after watching the US win gold for curling, I went down for what was supposed to be an hour as well.
Of course, my phone didn't set the alarm off on time, so I ended up oversleeping by about a half hour. Dinner was about an hour away, and we also wanted to see Black Panther, which only had a few showtimes. We didn't think we'd need to make a reservation for dinner...we figured we'd bump up our anticipated showing by an hour, and it'd be fine.
Susan, just to make sure, ended up calling the restaurant on the way up...only to realize that the earliest reservation time was about an hour and change after we'd arrive, way later than we thought. First "oops" of the night. Then, the movie theater right by the place ended up having so few seats, that there weren't any left for us for the night. So, plan B...go to dinner still, and then see the late showing at the theater closer to home...or postpone it for Sunday.
So we got there, went up and down the small mall that was close by, and picked out a pair of candles for the house. Then, we figured, fuck it...went to the restaurant, and luckily they had a table for two that was ready a good forty-five minutes early. Yay! Food was outstanding, and we got out of there in plenty of time to make the late showing at the theater. Well, actually, could have gotten into the one before that, but it was 3D and neither of us like that. So we waited.
The movie was good; by the time it got home it was almost 1am, both of us were tired, and she still had her migraine. Now, normally, it wouldn't matter and we'd still try for happy fun times, but...we talked about it, and decided to do part II of the birthday celebration the next day.
And then she had an anxiety episode. I don't even know what it was about at this point. All I remember is that, on what should have been, and really was, a happy day for her, it still wasn't enough. I ended up with her crying on my shoulder...again. Eventually, we talked through...whatever it was, I don't even think it was anything really major, and drifted off to sleep.
The next day, Susan went off to church. I couldn't tell you what happened for much of the rest of the day, but after dinner, she was typing out on her phone a list of self-affirmations. "He loves me. He wants me. He's in love with me"...there was more to it, but that's where my mind stopped. She wanted me to confirm everything on there was true. I did add in "I deserve to be loved" at the end...but I wasn't as committal about the rest as I should have been.
Not long after, I turned on the closing ceremonies...we watched that for about a half hour or so together, and then I got up to clean up the kitchen and dining room. While I did that, I also did a lot of thinking, and realized some things.
I asked Susan to join me, and I laid out what was on my mind:
1) I asked her what her biggest fear was. Essentially, it was losing me...it's me saying that I wanted out of our relationship as it currently was. We talked about that, and I pointed out that overall, we had been in a good place in October, and over the summertime. We were happy together. It's why we both felt comfortable suggesting a move-in with Toby and Trina to begin with. All of our problems since then, were Susan's fears that I'd shove her away...but without those fear and anxieties popping up, I wouldn't be having any issues. And that's what I was having difficulty with...the fact that her fears were the only things driving us apart.
2) I am, essentially, someone who does not respond well to demands or orders. When it comes to things that I'm told I need to do, or anytime I feel pressure to do something...I dig my heels in. Even when I know it will help things, even when I know it's in my own best interest, my orneriness pops up and says "nope. not happening". Susan had, over the last several months, become very needy in regards to affection. As I told her therapist yesterday, what I liken it to is Susan grasping at a handful of sand to keep it from flowing out...not realizing that she'd hold onto more by opening up and not trying so hard to hold on to it.
Afterwards, she confronted me again with her affirmations list from earlier. After a long and painful discussion, I finally had to admit...I wasn't in love with her anymore.
______
That...wasn't a pleasant conversation. Neither one of us really knew where to go from there. We were supposed to have book club with Trina and Toby Monday night, but instead we asked them to talk over voice. We told them what was going on, so that they could have full agency in making the best decisions they needed to make. I confirmed that I still wanted to have everyone together, as did Susan, and both of them confirmed they still wanted to come out and live with the both of us.
We ended up rambling about some other things, but overall, we were in a more upbeat mood when we went to bed that night.
Tuesday afternoon was our second appointment as a couple with her therapist. The first had been mostly background, but I don't think she was expecting the developments from the weekend. So we talked through, and I relayed to both Susan and her therapist what I'd come up with since Sunday:
Essentially, to me, it all comes down to lack of trust. Yeah, there's depression involved. Yeah, there's mental illness, there's medication involved. But, to me, somewhere in Susan's head, she doesn't trust me...because otherwise, those thoughts wouldn't be there to magnify and blow out of proportion. As much as Susan denies it and says that she does, the actions taken by her don't lend those denials any credence. To me, anyways.
What this means for me, is that every time another episode happens, I draw away. If I don't feel like I can be trusted, I can't trust that person in return...especially when that mistrust is reinforced so often. So, I pull away...emotionally and physically. I haven't been able to relax around Susan ever since October. Not as much as I need to, not to make her feel calm about things. So, it's just been a long, vicious circle.
The therapist did give us some suggestions, and talked through what we were both feeling...I'm not sure how much it'll help, but I do actually feel a lot better now. Here's hoping this continues...and here's also hoping Susan will find another way to vent her fears other than to do so around me. Because...that's really all I need, to help make her feel better.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Updates and Progress
A lot has firmed up in the last couple of months. We've done by this point 19 out of 25 chapters of More Than Two as group discussion, which has led to some hard conversations, but also allowed us all to get a much better idea of where we all are. We've been using a group text messaging app, since cell phone texts commonly get lost, especially in a group setting. We've also all sat down on a few occasions for group voice conversations, using the same app, but those are more dicey, and don't allow for re-read of what was said.
We had been doing the sessions weekly, but Susan realized a few weeks ago that, especially with her up-and-down cycle of emotions, that she was barely getting the chance to breathe after a session before jumping right back into working on the next one. So, now we're doing them every other week instead.
I think some of the problems come from the fact that Trina, especially, has such a different thought process and sense of what's important than Susan or I do. Toby, at least at this point, hasn't had any strong opinions one way or the other...he seems to be along for the ride, more than anything.
One of the major conversations has been about the new house. Oh yeah - we're definitely moving back to Virginia. So, in May, Trina and Susan will meet up down there and spend a week looking at houses. But...just getting to a point of what's acceptable to live in is a pressure point on things. For instance, Trina has lived in shoeboxes essentially their whole life. They like the idea of living with as few possessions as possible.
Contrast that with us, who have, over the years, been attempting, and largely succeeding, at getting better quality furniture, including a pool table, a gaming table, a king size bed, a huge solid wood entertainment center...you get the idea. But that does mean we need extra space. We need space for our computer desks. I like large kitchens, more so since we'll be doubling the amount of people roaming through it.
All of this adds up. And with everything involved, essentially we're looking at 6 bedroom houses, with multiple extra spaces. We did end up having a long voice chat over this last night, finally, but Susan and I aren't really happy that we're essentially forcing a much larger place on Trina, especially, than they'd want otherwise. It doesn't seem like there's any way to give them what they want. Toby did jump in to say that there's really no middle ground to be had, and that helps, but...we do need to figure out what else to do.
____
In other news, Susan's had some fairly extreme depressive cycles ever since November. It's possible that one of her medications affected her long-term, even after she was taken off of it, but...dealing with her cycles has put a strain on our relationship. It felt for a while like we were playing whack-a-mole with her fears and anxieties. Every time I thought we'd dealt with one, another two would rear their ugly heads. A few weeks ago, it got to the point where I had to say "enough was enough" for a while. For those who are into gaming, it felt like I was "tanking" both Susan's anxieties, as well as some of Trina's issues with the potential move. I'd finally reached my own wall, where I needed especially Susan to not come to me any more with her shit.
And...that hurts. We've been in this dynamic for almost fifteen years now. We have a problem, we sit and talk it out, and it gets resolved. Except...this wasn't resolving. It was simply hammer blow after hammer blow of fears of me abandoning her, whether physically or emotionally. And, well, that many hammer blows started resulting in cracks. Upon advice of her therapist, she did ask me to, when a subject came up that she felt that, if pursued, would lead to more depression, to let the topic alone and not push.
Of course, that only works so well on my end...and at least a couple of times I misread/ misheard what was being said, and ended up pushing anyways. Our last group conversation, in fact, that happened, and while it was handled okay in the moment, that upwell of emotions ended up with Susan not in the right headspace to read correctly what was said later on, which led to a huge blowup both in chat and afterwards.
Since then, we've mostly repaired the damage that was done that night, but...not completely. Her therapist finally got around to asking if I minded coming in for a couple of couple's sessions. We were actually set up to go together last week, but at the last minute, we got cancelled on due to her therapist's illness. So, today will be our first session together.
_____
I go to see Trina in late April for a long weekend. The only plans we have firm are to go visit a hot springs in the area...I'm really looking forward to that. I'm also just looking forward to spending time with them in general...their visit in January was nice, but nowhere near long enough for my liking!
That'll likely be the last chance I get to see them before the move to Virginia...after that I'll be in uber-packing mode. And really, I'll be in "must pack" mode even before then, so that I don't get too far behind the curve.
_____
So yeah, that's where we're at for now. The move is definitely happening, and there's definitely issues to work out between us as a group, and between some of us as individuals. But...I still have hope that once we're all in the same place, it'll ease a lot of the issues that I think are only compounding because the physical presence isn't there.
We had been doing the sessions weekly, but Susan realized a few weeks ago that, especially with her up-and-down cycle of emotions, that she was barely getting the chance to breathe after a session before jumping right back into working on the next one. So, now we're doing them every other week instead.
I think some of the problems come from the fact that Trina, especially, has such a different thought process and sense of what's important than Susan or I do. Toby, at least at this point, hasn't had any strong opinions one way or the other...he seems to be along for the ride, more than anything.
One of the major conversations has been about the new house. Oh yeah - we're definitely moving back to Virginia. So, in May, Trina and Susan will meet up down there and spend a week looking at houses. But...just getting to a point of what's acceptable to live in is a pressure point on things. For instance, Trina has lived in shoeboxes essentially their whole life. They like the idea of living with as few possessions as possible.
Contrast that with us, who have, over the years, been attempting, and largely succeeding, at getting better quality furniture, including a pool table, a gaming table, a king size bed, a huge solid wood entertainment center...you get the idea. But that does mean we need extra space. We need space for our computer desks. I like large kitchens, more so since we'll be doubling the amount of people roaming through it.
All of this adds up. And with everything involved, essentially we're looking at 6 bedroom houses, with multiple extra spaces. We did end up having a long voice chat over this last night, finally, but Susan and I aren't really happy that we're essentially forcing a much larger place on Trina, especially, than they'd want otherwise. It doesn't seem like there's any way to give them what they want. Toby did jump in to say that there's really no middle ground to be had, and that helps, but...we do need to figure out what else to do.
____
In other news, Susan's had some fairly extreme depressive cycles ever since November. It's possible that one of her medications affected her long-term, even after she was taken off of it, but...dealing with her cycles has put a strain on our relationship. It felt for a while like we were playing whack-a-mole with her fears and anxieties. Every time I thought we'd dealt with one, another two would rear their ugly heads. A few weeks ago, it got to the point where I had to say "enough was enough" for a while. For those who are into gaming, it felt like I was "tanking" both Susan's anxieties, as well as some of Trina's issues with the potential move. I'd finally reached my own wall, where I needed especially Susan to not come to me any more with her shit.
And...that hurts. We've been in this dynamic for almost fifteen years now. We have a problem, we sit and talk it out, and it gets resolved. Except...this wasn't resolving. It was simply hammer blow after hammer blow of fears of me abandoning her, whether physically or emotionally. And, well, that many hammer blows started resulting in cracks. Upon advice of her therapist, she did ask me to, when a subject came up that she felt that, if pursued, would lead to more depression, to let the topic alone and not push.
Of course, that only works so well on my end...and at least a couple of times I misread/ misheard what was being said, and ended up pushing anyways. Our last group conversation, in fact, that happened, and while it was handled okay in the moment, that upwell of emotions ended up with Susan not in the right headspace to read correctly what was said later on, which led to a huge blowup both in chat and afterwards.
Since then, we've mostly repaired the damage that was done that night, but...not completely. Her therapist finally got around to asking if I minded coming in for a couple of couple's sessions. We were actually set up to go together last week, but at the last minute, we got cancelled on due to her therapist's illness. So, today will be our first session together.
_____
I go to see Trina in late April for a long weekend. The only plans we have firm are to go visit a hot springs in the area...I'm really looking forward to that. I'm also just looking forward to spending time with them in general...their visit in January was nice, but nowhere near long enough for my liking!
That'll likely be the last chance I get to see them before the move to Virginia...after that I'll be in uber-packing mode. And really, I'll be in "must pack" mode even before then, so that I don't get too far behind the curve.
_____
So yeah, that's where we're at for now. The move is definitely happening, and there's definitely issues to work out between us as a group, and between some of us as individuals. But...I still have hope that once we're all in the same place, it'll ease a lot of the issues that I think are only compounding because the physical presence isn't there.
Saturday, December 9, 2017
New normal...for varying values of the word "normal"
I still don't know if/ where we're moving. The process for me to see what options I have is proving to be a slow one, on multiple fronts. We're now at the point where those orders are being selected and compiled for me to choose from though, and I should know more by next week sometime.
That said, things continue at a good speed. For both Trina and I, we're concerned someone will still say no, but it's our metamour, not our original partners. Sarah continues to assure me that she's still wanting all of this for us and for me, and Toby has convinced Trina that he's all in. So...I guess it's actually going to happen? Part of me doesn't believe it, but I continue to act as if it's going to. I really can't wait!
The four of us have made a book club, of sorts, and each week are working through a couple of chapters of More Than Two, including the questions at the end of each chapter. It's forcing all of us to actually communicate a bit more, even if the questions aren't really set up for people who already know what they want that well.
Aside from that, we continue to have varying levels of communication across the group. Toby still has issues in dealing with his LDR...I'll have to come up with a name for his other partner at some point, I'm sure.
I feel bad for Susan in all of this. She was the one who pushed for us to be poly back several years back...hell, more than a decade ago now. I don't think this was at all what she imagined, though...I think she figured either we'd both have other partners or at least that she'd be the one to be splitting her time. And now, she's essentially feeling like she's a short step away from being dropped.
Susan has found a poly therapist here, finally, and while they've only met a few times, I think it's going to end up helping out over the long haul. We'll see. She still has issues that pop up every so often...her most recent one is that she feels uncomfortable when she hears our chat app sound on my phone or my computer, but it's not the group chat. It sparks her anxieties over the fact that we might be saying something or planning something that affects her without her knowledge or permission. I just don't know how to assuage her of that fear, without giving up my own privacy.
A larger concern that she's shared is that she wants to be first in my heart. I'm positive it's something I can't promise, but it's not whether or not I love Trina more. It's more that my love for each of them really is different, and I want to enjoy my relationship with each of them on their own merits. It hurts her though, and I don't know how to heal that pain for her.
I give Susan an absolute ton of credit though. She's being incredibly fair about the situation, far more fair than I think I could ever be, and even more so that she's doing so while sorting through her own fears and anxieties. I think we'll be okay in the long run, that she'll be okay in the long run...we just have to get past this initial set of roadblocks.
That said, things continue at a good speed. For both Trina and I, we're concerned someone will still say no, but it's our metamour, not our original partners. Sarah continues to assure me that she's still wanting all of this for us and for me, and Toby has convinced Trina that he's all in. So...I guess it's actually going to happen? Part of me doesn't believe it, but I continue to act as if it's going to. I really can't wait!
The four of us have made a book club, of sorts, and each week are working through a couple of chapters of More Than Two, including the questions at the end of each chapter. It's forcing all of us to actually communicate a bit more, even if the questions aren't really set up for people who already know what they want that well.
Aside from that, we continue to have varying levels of communication across the group. Toby still has issues in dealing with his LDR...I'll have to come up with a name for his other partner at some point, I'm sure.
I feel bad for Susan in all of this. She was the one who pushed for us to be poly back several years back...hell, more than a decade ago now. I don't think this was at all what she imagined, though...I think she figured either we'd both have other partners or at least that she'd be the one to be splitting her time. And now, she's essentially feeling like she's a short step away from being dropped.
Susan has found a poly therapist here, finally, and while they've only met a few times, I think it's going to end up helping out over the long haul. We'll see. She still has issues that pop up every so often...her most recent one is that she feels uncomfortable when she hears our chat app sound on my phone or my computer, but it's not the group chat. It sparks her anxieties over the fact that we might be saying something or planning something that affects her without her knowledge or permission. I just don't know how to assuage her of that fear, without giving up my own privacy.
A larger concern that she's shared is that she wants to be first in my heart. I'm positive it's something I can't promise, but it's not whether or not I love Trina more. It's more that my love for each of them really is different, and I want to enjoy my relationship with each of them on their own merits. It hurts her though, and I don't know how to heal that pain for her.
I give Susan an absolute ton of credit though. She's being incredibly fair about the situation, far more fair than I think I could ever be, and even more so that she's doing so while sorting through her own fears and anxieties. I think we'll be okay in the long run, that she'll be okay in the long run...we just have to get past this initial set of roadblocks.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Aftermath
So the week that changed everything, well, changed everything. We're all operating under the assumption that we will be moving in together, whether that's here or in a different state. Obviously, Trina and I are completely on board, but Susan and Toby still have yet to make a definitive yes. We're still discussing as if it will happen however, to air out anything that might be an issue before then.
Oh yeah, and once they all left, Susan's meds kicked into high gear and she tumbled down into a rabbit hole of depression and despair. Oh joy. Essentially, she's always been depressed, and in the last decade or so, I've also watched as her dependence on me grew and grew. We've had multiple discussions about that, to the point where I've been telling her straight out that I can't be everything to her. She is a stay-at-home mom, but doesn't even have volunteering or anything else to get out. I've pointed her in the direction of animal shelters, political organizations, job listings, everything I could think of. Susan runs into a road block and gives up. The local schools don't allow her to volunteer, unlike the ones in California. The animal shelter never returned her calls, the local branch of her political party doesn't do shit, and there's no jobs she feels qualified to perform.
And I get that, I really do...but at the same time, I feel more and more of a burden to be her entertainment, to be her sole support in life...and it gets tiring. She does have family, but that's a mixed blessing.
So when this cropped up, it made her face her fears that my attention would no longer be on her. In her words, it's not the sex that she's concerned about. It's me simply not being there for her. She's concerned about losing tv watching time, or snuggle time, or venting time, or whatever. She's also afraid that I'll simply kick her to the curb as I've "upgraded" to a better model.
All of this would have been bad enough normally, except that where normally she'd be able to work through the crap her head is telling her, the shift in her meds simply wouldn't let her. For about a week and a half straight, she was sobbing on my shoulders at some point during the day. It got to the point where she had to get off the new medicine, and switch to something else...she was starting to have suicidal thoughts.
So she went off completely, even though she was supposed to wean herself off of the med. And it was night and day! We were able to have rational discussions about her fears and anxieties, and give her my reaction to them, and not have her dismiss what I said out of hand.
She went back on a different medicine a couple of days later, and I was afraid that it was a return to the darkness of the previous one - the first day back on meds, there was a discussion with tears about a different anxiety. Thankfully, she balanced out, and since then has been far better. Those anxieties, fears, and insecurities are still there of course, but she's able to shove that dark voice aside and listen to what I'm saying now.
Of course, as soon as she gets back on an even keel, the four of us are chatting via a group text app. Things are going great, and then Trina comes out with "can relationships be a sport?" There was more, but of course Susan and I focused in on that part. It didn't help that the followup was "but I want to win"...Susan had an immediate meltdown. I immediately sent back that the wording and timing was poor, and it was a poor joke overall. I didn't chat again for a few hours, as I talked through Susan's triggered fears of being shoved aside.
Re-reading the message, I realized what Trina was trying to say, that they needed to have someone stand up to them one-on-one. But the first read through looked like Trina was positing a competition between them and Susan...and that was an instant "oh shit".
Once I figured that out, Susan calmed down fairly quickly, but I was still pissed. She actually reached out to Trina to discuss it privately for a while, but it took a while before I came down from the trees. I ended up having a long chat with Trina about it myself, about the fact that I'm putting in a lot of work to smooth things over for them to be able to actually be around me in the future, and on a fairly permanent basis, and then Trina goes and chucks a landmine into the mess. I also did mention that normally, it would have been a fairly innocuous statement, but the situation itself needed more careful thought over word choice.
Through the entire process of that week and a half or so after they all left, Susan realized that what she needed was something she didn't get while they were here; a chance to see us interact, in the same house, with me not sleeping in our own bed, while Susan is "normal". To that end, after discussions over schedules, Susan and I agreed to pay for a flight out for Trina for MLK weekend! We'll still have the guest bedroom upstairs, and that's where I'll be on that Saturday and Sunday night...Trina and I are supposed to visit the city the day they get here, but other than that, there won't be the other distractions...it'll be more of a calm time, hopefully.
That's going to be the final test to see if Susan can handle things. She should be able to, as once her meds cleared up, she was in a much better and happier mood about things. Even at her darkest, she didn't want to say no, and not just because of her fears that she would be the villian. She's always been poly. This is, mostly, what she's always wanted, multiple families living under the same roof as equals. Her fears were that she wouldn't get to experience it at all. There's also the fact that she's currently the only one of us who's attached to only one person. Since she broke up with Ray back years ago now, her attempts at dating have been hit or miss, and mostly miss at that. Even Toby has a long-distance relationship spanning about four and a half years ago now.
So that's where we're at currently. Trina and I communicate fairly consistently, and the four of us remain in regular communication also. Toby has issues he's working through on his end, though he's fairly loathe to speak of them. Susan is fearful, but wants it to work. And Trina and I are overjoyed at the shift in our relationship...they've actually launched headlong into it, now that they've worked through their own misgivings about dating someone in the military again (along with others). I can't wait for January!
Oh yeah, and once they all left, Susan's meds kicked into high gear and she tumbled down into a rabbit hole of depression and despair. Oh joy. Essentially, she's always been depressed, and in the last decade or so, I've also watched as her dependence on me grew and grew. We've had multiple discussions about that, to the point where I've been telling her straight out that I can't be everything to her. She is a stay-at-home mom, but doesn't even have volunteering or anything else to get out. I've pointed her in the direction of animal shelters, political organizations, job listings, everything I could think of. Susan runs into a road block and gives up. The local schools don't allow her to volunteer, unlike the ones in California. The animal shelter never returned her calls, the local branch of her political party doesn't do shit, and there's no jobs she feels qualified to perform.
And I get that, I really do...but at the same time, I feel more and more of a burden to be her entertainment, to be her sole support in life...and it gets tiring. She does have family, but that's a mixed blessing.
So when this cropped up, it made her face her fears that my attention would no longer be on her. In her words, it's not the sex that she's concerned about. It's me simply not being there for her. She's concerned about losing tv watching time, or snuggle time, or venting time, or whatever. She's also afraid that I'll simply kick her to the curb as I've "upgraded" to a better model.
All of this would have been bad enough normally, except that where normally she'd be able to work through the crap her head is telling her, the shift in her meds simply wouldn't let her. For about a week and a half straight, she was sobbing on my shoulders at some point during the day. It got to the point where she had to get off the new medicine, and switch to something else...she was starting to have suicidal thoughts.
So she went off completely, even though she was supposed to wean herself off of the med. And it was night and day! We were able to have rational discussions about her fears and anxieties, and give her my reaction to them, and not have her dismiss what I said out of hand.
She went back on a different medicine a couple of days later, and I was afraid that it was a return to the darkness of the previous one - the first day back on meds, there was a discussion with tears about a different anxiety. Thankfully, she balanced out, and since then has been far better. Those anxieties, fears, and insecurities are still there of course, but she's able to shove that dark voice aside and listen to what I'm saying now.
Of course, as soon as she gets back on an even keel, the four of us are chatting via a group text app. Things are going great, and then Trina comes out with "can relationships be a sport?" There was more, but of course Susan and I focused in on that part. It didn't help that the followup was "but I want to win"...Susan had an immediate meltdown. I immediately sent back that the wording and timing was poor, and it was a poor joke overall. I didn't chat again for a few hours, as I talked through Susan's triggered fears of being shoved aside.
Re-reading the message, I realized what Trina was trying to say, that they needed to have someone stand up to them one-on-one. But the first read through looked like Trina was positing a competition between them and Susan...and that was an instant "oh shit".
Once I figured that out, Susan calmed down fairly quickly, but I was still pissed. She actually reached out to Trina to discuss it privately for a while, but it took a while before I came down from the trees. I ended up having a long chat with Trina about it myself, about the fact that I'm putting in a lot of work to smooth things over for them to be able to actually be around me in the future, and on a fairly permanent basis, and then Trina goes and chucks a landmine into the mess. I also did mention that normally, it would have been a fairly innocuous statement, but the situation itself needed more careful thought over word choice.
Through the entire process of that week and a half or so after they all left, Susan realized that what she needed was something she didn't get while they were here; a chance to see us interact, in the same house, with me not sleeping in our own bed, while Susan is "normal". To that end, after discussions over schedules, Susan and I agreed to pay for a flight out for Trina for MLK weekend! We'll still have the guest bedroom upstairs, and that's where I'll be on that Saturday and Sunday night...Trina and I are supposed to visit the city the day they get here, but other than that, there won't be the other distractions...it'll be more of a calm time, hopefully.
That's going to be the final test to see if Susan can handle things. She should be able to, as once her meds cleared up, she was in a much better and happier mood about things. Even at her darkest, she didn't want to say no, and not just because of her fears that she would be the villian. She's always been poly. This is, mostly, what she's always wanted, multiple families living under the same roof as equals. Her fears were that she wouldn't get to experience it at all. There's also the fact that she's currently the only one of us who's attached to only one person. Since she broke up with Ray back years ago now, her attempts at dating have been hit or miss, and mostly miss at that. Even Toby has a long-distance relationship spanning about four and a half years ago now.
So that's where we're at currently. Trina and I communicate fairly consistently, and the four of us remain in regular communication also. Toby has issues he's working through on his end, though he's fairly loathe to speak of them. Susan is fearful, but wants it to work. And Trina and I are overjoyed at the shift in our relationship...they've actually launched headlong into it, now that they've worked through their own misgivings about dating someone in the military again (along with others). I can't wait for January!
Monday, November 13, 2017
Settle in for a read, folks (Part II)
Wednesday morning was good in a few ways. It felt good to wake up to a normal household after the loss of power the previous couple of days, and there was a sense of normalcy. By this time, any anxiety I felt about having people in the house had bled off (for me at least).
By now, the four of us had already had several discussions over the prospect of us all moving in together. I'm not sure when it was raised, but I do know at one point, the idea went from "if we move" to "no matter if we stay or go", and that felt freeing...it means that there's less of a burden on me to pick orders I wouldn't take otherwise, just to be able to have everyone in the same house.
Wednesday was more of the same; some group, some one-on-one. Trina and I continued to steal quick moments here and there, but didn't really get alone time. I wasn't sure that they wanted it, to be honest, and I was content to take things slower. That was also a pizza night, so I broke out the pizza stone and did up individual pizzas for everyone. I wish our oven got hotter, but what can you do?
At one point Wednesday, Susan came to me for comfort and support, with some crying as her emotions overwhelmed her. Nothing too horrible, but slightly disconcerting, as she hadn't been like this in a long time, especially about poly relationships.
Thursday was our designated "early Thanksgiving", and as soon as I woke up, I hit the kitchen and began prepwork. First came the desserts...a cheesecake and a pumpkin pie! I needed to get those in and done so that they could chill in time for dinner. I also made a chart of everything I planned on making, so that I didn't forget anything. It only takes one year of forgetting the rolls and the deviled eggs to make you give yourself a reminder!
The rest of the dinner prep went smoothly; I got Trina to help with a few things, and even stayed ahead of the dishes for the most part. The turkey went in a touch later than I had intended, and ended up needing to be cranked up to complete, but it turned out delicious as well. Overall, dinner was a success. It also means that I'm only going to do a few things for Thanksgiving proper, in a few weeks, since we just had the full deal. I might do cornish game hens, instead.
Thursday evening, and at the request of Trina, I broke out the violet wand. They'd gotten a small taste of it...Saturday night? Before the outage, at any rate, because they wanted another shot at it. So the two of us headed down to my bedroom, shortly followed by Susan and Toby. In the end, well all got plenty of entertainment over the violet wand's reverse function. Don't remember what it's called, but basically it's an extension that the recipient either grabs onto or has tied into place against their skin. It doesn't cause shock by itself, but anyone else who touches that person will end up zapping them...think static electricity, writ kinda large.
Eventually though, we turned it off and laid down across the bed. I was on the end, Trina on the inside of me, then Toby and finally Susan on the far side. It didn't take long for Trina and I to start kissing and groping each other. Mildly, and clothes were still on, but still. Susan tried making out with Toby for a minute, and I saw her eyes peek over his body, but within just a few minutes, she left to go use the bathroom.
Susan did tell this to Toby, but kept her voice down, specifically so it wouldn't interrupt us. Yeeeah, okay. When she came back, she gathered her things, told us that she didn't mind, but that she just couldn't handle watching it at that moment. She also mentioned the fact that she knew that Trina and I hadn't had any chance to be alone, so she was giving us space.
I was torn between going after her to speak to her, or taking her at her word and staying. Trina just looked over at Toby, who'd remained quiet throughout all of this, and said, "I don't know how to say this politely, but could you give us some space as well?"
They have a different relationship than Susan and I do (well, doesn't everyone?) But I could never have said that to Susan...I felt bad for Toby. Buuuut, there was Trina right there, and we *did* have time to spend alone together now...
So we talked. We talked about things we hadn't had the chance to yet, and they revealed that they'd been going out of their mind with the fact that the two of us hadn't had that chance for alone time. I don't know if it's a self-esteem issue, or what, but I almost couldn't believe it. The clothes stayed on, and we didn't really do that much more kissing, but we did enjoy the chance to be close and alone together. A couple of hours later, both Susan and Toby showed back up, within the space of about five minutes of each other. We all talked together; Susan had composed herself and cleared the air...turns out she really had meant what she said! By this time, though, it was nearly 1am, and both of them were getting sleepy. Trina and Toby headed off to the guest bedroom, and Susan and I ended up staying awake until nearly 3am talking...and more, of course.
One of the things Trina and I discussed, and then I confirmed with Susan afterwards, was the desire to spend an evening out together. The next morning, after I finally surfaced and woke up, I did some digging. I found an Escape Room in the city, about 40 minutes away. I'd never done one, but I knew Susan wouldn't really be interested in them based upon prior conversations. So I pitched it to Trina, trying to tell them what it was about. At that point, Trina didn't care, so early in the evening we packed ourselves off to downtown. We found a coffee house, got Trina some caffeine so they didn't pass out on me, and played some Scrabble while waiting for the next opening for the escape room.
The rest of the evening was a blast...we found the place without much difficulty (better signs though people, come on!) and we both enjoyed the game immensely. Trina liked it even more once they figured out what the game actually was! We missed solving the puzzle in time by less than a minute, but we did solve everything and didn't have to be let out, so yay!
Unfortunately, by the time it was over, the rest of downtown was shutting down. Our area also lacks places to go just wander around, so we headed back home. Once we got back, we both checked in with our respective partners, then headed out to the couch out in the living room to just enjoy more alone time together.
Through our discussions Thursday night and Friday, the two of us realized that we each cared for the other far more than we realized. In Trina's words, they had been prepared to mourn the loss of our friendship when we moved away. Even coming out here, Trina just wasn't sure what to expect, and neither was I.
Trina had many hangups about me through the years. Rereading my own journal here reminded me of a few of them, but there were some that never got written down. I don't know why, but all of her hangups regarding me have mostly resolved themselves. They're still there, of course, but they don't seem to matter as much any more.
Trina also told me that they were starting to embrace their queer side. We had a couple of discussions over what that meant, as far as Trina alone and then the two of us together. Pronouns are an issue for Trina, as "she, her, hers" has never felt right. There's not a specific pronoun or set of pronouns that are desired over any other, but I find it far more comfortable to use the singular "they" (as you've seen here the last couple of posts) than any of the other non-binary pronouns that have surfaced over the years. They're also willing to be understanding, and to let me (and Susan as well)...practice? without fear of fucking it up. It's hard, but Susan and I are both catching ourselves, and correcting ourselves, and trying to make it work in our own heads.
We also discussed Trina's (current) unwillingness to use any kind of hormone therapy. I'll be honest, and I told them this; I can handle Trina embracing their...androgyny, semi-masculinity, whatever they want to call it. I will support Trina in whatever they do, but I'm not sure that I could be intimate with someone undergoing hormone therapy, or permanent gender reassignment. That's on me...I am very much cis-male, and very hetero...and there's lines that I don't think I can cross for myself. Trina likened hormone treatment to a second puberty, and since the first was a bitch enough for them, there's no foreseeable plans to formally try for that. I can deal with that.
Saturday morning and early afternoon was spent outside. The four of us traipsed outside, where Trina and Toby built a firepit, and then the three of us built a fire (Susan watched and cheered us on). While we were doing this, the four of us also discussed the prospect of moving in with each other, regardless of location, and what that would mean for all of us, including the kids.
We also covered a lot of ground as far as jealousies, expectations, who's going to be the ones actually househunting (Susan and Trina), and I got Toby to open up a bit about his side of the story. Essentially, at least from his words, he doesn't mind the thought of losing time with Trina to me, because he needs a lot more alone time than what he currently gets. Trina's take was that it'd be almost a relief for him to have Trina able to have someone else to pester!
He does also have another relationship, a long-distance one. He entered into it about the same time Trina and I first met, but since he left the service and moved away from his base, he's never has a chance to see her since. There's a lot there that's been left unsaid for now, but he is dealing with his own set of "what's fair" there - the fact that he's seriously talking about moving in with his partner's partner, when he hasn't been able to see his other partner at all in nearly four years.
It's tough. I feel for him, and I feel for Susan. On the plus side, we're all friendly with each other even outside of the relationship Trina and I have started to expand upon, and we all genuinely like being around each other. The week that was worked as kind of a test-run for living together, and through all of the disturbances, through all of the shifts, we all still feel like it's a good idea. An old saying exists, that says "Fish and house guests start to smell after three days"...well, not these guests....they're family!
Their departure was set for the evening, so in mid-afternoon, the four of us and their son bundled off into my car to take them back to the airport. Not much of substance was said on the way out, but it was one time I was thankful for a long drive. Again, due to the traffic at the airport, we didn't have the chance for a long goodbye...probably just as well. Before I knew it, they had disappeared inside, and I was weaving back into traffic to come home.
By now, the four of us had already had several discussions over the prospect of us all moving in together. I'm not sure when it was raised, but I do know at one point, the idea went from "if we move" to "no matter if we stay or go", and that felt freeing...it means that there's less of a burden on me to pick orders I wouldn't take otherwise, just to be able to have everyone in the same house.
Wednesday was more of the same; some group, some one-on-one. Trina and I continued to steal quick moments here and there, but didn't really get alone time. I wasn't sure that they wanted it, to be honest, and I was content to take things slower. That was also a pizza night, so I broke out the pizza stone and did up individual pizzas for everyone. I wish our oven got hotter, but what can you do?
At one point Wednesday, Susan came to me for comfort and support, with some crying as her emotions overwhelmed her. Nothing too horrible, but slightly disconcerting, as she hadn't been like this in a long time, especially about poly relationships.
Thursday was our designated "early Thanksgiving", and as soon as I woke up, I hit the kitchen and began prepwork. First came the desserts...a cheesecake and a pumpkin pie! I needed to get those in and done so that they could chill in time for dinner. I also made a chart of everything I planned on making, so that I didn't forget anything. It only takes one year of forgetting the rolls and the deviled eggs to make you give yourself a reminder!
The rest of the dinner prep went smoothly; I got Trina to help with a few things, and even stayed ahead of the dishes for the most part. The turkey went in a touch later than I had intended, and ended up needing to be cranked up to complete, but it turned out delicious as well. Overall, dinner was a success. It also means that I'm only going to do a few things for Thanksgiving proper, in a few weeks, since we just had the full deal. I might do cornish game hens, instead.
Thursday evening, and at the request of Trina, I broke out the violet wand. They'd gotten a small taste of it...Saturday night? Before the outage, at any rate, because they wanted another shot at it. So the two of us headed down to my bedroom, shortly followed by Susan and Toby. In the end, well all got plenty of entertainment over the violet wand's reverse function. Don't remember what it's called, but basically it's an extension that the recipient either grabs onto or has tied into place against their skin. It doesn't cause shock by itself, but anyone else who touches that person will end up zapping them...think static electricity, writ kinda large.
Eventually though, we turned it off and laid down across the bed. I was on the end, Trina on the inside of me, then Toby and finally Susan on the far side. It didn't take long for Trina and I to start kissing and groping each other. Mildly, and clothes were still on, but still. Susan tried making out with Toby for a minute, and I saw her eyes peek over his body, but within just a few minutes, she left to go use the bathroom.
Susan did tell this to Toby, but kept her voice down, specifically so it wouldn't interrupt us. Yeeeah, okay. When she came back, she gathered her things, told us that she didn't mind, but that she just couldn't handle watching it at that moment. She also mentioned the fact that she knew that Trina and I hadn't had any chance to be alone, so she was giving us space.
I was torn between going after her to speak to her, or taking her at her word and staying. Trina just looked over at Toby, who'd remained quiet throughout all of this, and said, "I don't know how to say this politely, but could you give us some space as well?"
They have a different relationship than Susan and I do (well, doesn't everyone?) But I could never have said that to Susan...I felt bad for Toby. Buuuut, there was Trina right there, and we *did* have time to spend alone together now...
So we talked. We talked about things we hadn't had the chance to yet, and they revealed that they'd been going out of their mind with the fact that the two of us hadn't had that chance for alone time. I don't know if it's a self-esteem issue, or what, but I almost couldn't believe it. The clothes stayed on, and we didn't really do that much more kissing, but we did enjoy the chance to be close and alone together. A couple of hours later, both Susan and Toby showed back up, within the space of about five minutes of each other. We all talked together; Susan had composed herself and cleared the air...turns out she really had meant what she said! By this time, though, it was nearly 1am, and both of them were getting sleepy. Trina and Toby headed off to the guest bedroom, and Susan and I ended up staying awake until nearly 3am talking...and more, of course.
One of the things Trina and I discussed, and then I confirmed with Susan afterwards, was the desire to spend an evening out together. The next morning, after I finally surfaced and woke up, I did some digging. I found an Escape Room in the city, about 40 minutes away. I'd never done one, but I knew Susan wouldn't really be interested in them based upon prior conversations. So I pitched it to Trina, trying to tell them what it was about. At that point, Trina didn't care, so early in the evening we packed ourselves off to downtown. We found a coffee house, got Trina some caffeine so they didn't pass out on me, and played some Scrabble while waiting for the next opening for the escape room.
The rest of the evening was a blast...we found the place without much difficulty (better signs though people, come on!) and we both enjoyed the game immensely. Trina liked it even more once they figured out what the game actually was! We missed solving the puzzle in time by less than a minute, but we did solve everything and didn't have to be let out, so yay!
Unfortunately, by the time it was over, the rest of downtown was shutting down. Our area also lacks places to go just wander around, so we headed back home. Once we got back, we both checked in with our respective partners, then headed out to the couch out in the living room to just enjoy more alone time together.
Through our discussions Thursday night and Friday, the two of us realized that we each cared for the other far more than we realized. In Trina's words, they had been prepared to mourn the loss of our friendship when we moved away. Even coming out here, Trina just wasn't sure what to expect, and neither was I.
Trina had many hangups about me through the years. Rereading my own journal here reminded me of a few of them, but there were some that never got written down. I don't know why, but all of her hangups regarding me have mostly resolved themselves. They're still there, of course, but they don't seem to matter as much any more.
Trina also told me that they were starting to embrace their queer side. We had a couple of discussions over what that meant, as far as Trina alone and then the two of us together. Pronouns are an issue for Trina, as "she, her, hers" has never felt right. There's not a specific pronoun or set of pronouns that are desired over any other, but I find it far more comfortable to use the singular "they" (as you've seen here the last couple of posts) than any of the other non-binary pronouns that have surfaced over the years. They're also willing to be understanding, and to let me (and Susan as well)...practice? without fear of fucking it up. It's hard, but Susan and I are both catching ourselves, and correcting ourselves, and trying to make it work in our own heads.
We also discussed Trina's (current) unwillingness to use any kind of hormone therapy. I'll be honest, and I told them this; I can handle Trina embracing their...androgyny, semi-masculinity, whatever they want to call it. I will support Trina in whatever they do, but I'm not sure that I could be intimate with someone undergoing hormone therapy, or permanent gender reassignment. That's on me...I am very much cis-male, and very hetero...and there's lines that I don't think I can cross for myself. Trina likened hormone treatment to a second puberty, and since the first was a bitch enough for them, there's no foreseeable plans to formally try for that. I can deal with that.
Saturday morning and early afternoon was spent outside. The four of us traipsed outside, where Trina and Toby built a firepit, and then the three of us built a fire (Susan watched and cheered us on). While we were doing this, the four of us also discussed the prospect of moving in with each other, regardless of location, and what that would mean for all of us, including the kids.
We also covered a lot of ground as far as jealousies, expectations, who's going to be the ones actually househunting (Susan and Trina), and I got Toby to open up a bit about his side of the story. Essentially, at least from his words, he doesn't mind the thought of losing time with Trina to me, because he needs a lot more alone time than what he currently gets. Trina's take was that it'd be almost a relief for him to have Trina able to have someone else to pester!
He does also have another relationship, a long-distance one. He entered into it about the same time Trina and I first met, but since he left the service and moved away from his base, he's never has a chance to see her since. There's a lot there that's been left unsaid for now, but he is dealing with his own set of "what's fair" there - the fact that he's seriously talking about moving in with his partner's partner, when he hasn't been able to see his other partner at all in nearly four years.
It's tough. I feel for him, and I feel for Susan. On the plus side, we're all friendly with each other even outside of the relationship Trina and I have started to expand upon, and we all genuinely like being around each other. The week that was worked as kind of a test-run for living together, and through all of the disturbances, through all of the shifts, we all still feel like it's a good idea. An old saying exists, that says "Fish and house guests start to smell after three days"...well, not these guests....they're family!
Their departure was set for the evening, so in mid-afternoon, the four of us and their son bundled off into my car to take them back to the airport. Not much of substance was said on the way out, but it was one time I was thankful for a long drive. Again, due to the traffic at the airport, we didn't have the chance for a long goodbye...probably just as well. Before I knew it, they had disappeared inside, and I was weaving back into traffic to come home.
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