Last weekend was one of the hardest we've had since this all started. Susan's birthday was just around the corner, so we made plans to celebrate it on Saturday. At first, it seemed to go well. I made crepes, with a cream cheese filling, that went over smashingly. After lunch, Susan took a nap, because migraines exist, and after watching the US win gold for curling, I went down for what was supposed to be an hour as well.
Of course, my phone didn't set the alarm off on time, so I ended up oversleeping by about a half hour. Dinner was about an hour away, and we also wanted to see Black Panther, which only had a few showtimes. We didn't think we'd need to make a reservation for dinner...we figured we'd bump up our anticipated showing by an hour, and it'd be fine.
Susan, just to make sure, ended up calling the restaurant on the way up...only to realize that the earliest reservation time was about an hour and change after we'd arrive, way later than we thought. First "oops" of the night. Then, the movie theater right by the place ended up having so few seats, that there weren't any left for us for the night. So, plan B...go to dinner still, and then see the late showing at the theater closer to home...or postpone it for Sunday.
So we got there, went up and down the small mall that was close by, and picked out a pair of candles for the house. Then, we figured, fuck it...went to the restaurant, and luckily they had a table for two that was ready a good forty-five minutes early. Yay! Food was outstanding, and we got out of there in plenty of time to make the late showing at the theater. Well, actually, could have gotten into the one before that, but it was 3D and neither of us like that. So we waited.
The movie was good; by the time it got home it was almost 1am, both of us were tired, and she still had her migraine. Now, normally, it wouldn't matter and we'd still try for happy fun times, but...we talked about it, and decided to do part II of the birthday celebration the next day.
And then she had an anxiety episode. I don't even know what it was about at this point. All I remember is that, on what should have been, and really was, a happy day for her, it still wasn't enough. I ended up with her crying on my shoulder...again. Eventually, we talked through...whatever it was, I don't even think it was anything really major, and drifted off to sleep.
The next day, Susan went off to church. I couldn't tell you what happened for much of the rest of the day, but after dinner, she was typing out on her phone a list of self-affirmations. "He loves me. He wants me. He's in love with me"...there was more to it, but that's where my mind stopped. She wanted me to confirm everything on there was true. I did add in "I deserve to be loved" at the end...but I wasn't as committal about the rest as I should have been.
Not long after, I turned on the closing ceremonies...we watched that for about a half hour or so together, and then I got up to clean up the kitchen and dining room. While I did that, I also did a lot of thinking, and realized some things.
I asked Susan to join me, and I laid out what was on my mind:
1) I asked her what her biggest fear was. Essentially, it was losing me...it's me saying that I wanted out of our relationship as it currently was. We talked about that, and I pointed out that overall, we had been in a good place in October, and over the summertime. We were happy together. It's why we both felt comfortable suggesting a move-in with Toby and Trina to begin with. All of our problems since then, were Susan's fears that I'd shove her away...but without those fear and anxieties popping up, I wouldn't be having any issues. And that's what I was having difficulty with...the fact that her fears were the only things driving us apart.
2) I am, essentially, someone who does not respond well to demands or orders. When it comes to things that I'm told I need to do, or anytime I feel pressure to do something...I dig my heels in. Even when I know it will help things, even when I know it's in my own best interest, my orneriness pops up and says "nope. not happening". Susan had, over the last several months, become very needy in regards to affection. As I told her therapist yesterday, what I liken it to is Susan grasping at a handful of sand to keep it from flowing out...not realizing that she'd hold onto more by opening up and not trying so hard to hold on to it.
Afterwards, she confronted me again with her affirmations list from earlier. After a long and painful discussion, I finally had to admit...I wasn't in love with her anymore.
______
That...wasn't a pleasant conversation. Neither one of us really knew where to go from there. We were supposed to have book club with Trina and Toby Monday night, but instead we asked them to talk over voice. We told them what was going on, so that they could have full agency in making the best decisions they needed to make. I confirmed that I still wanted to have everyone together, as did Susan, and both of them confirmed they still wanted to come out and live with the both of us.
We ended up rambling about some other things, but overall, we were in a more upbeat mood when we went to bed that night.
Tuesday afternoon was our second appointment as a couple with her therapist. The first had been mostly background, but I don't think she was expecting the developments from the weekend. So we talked through, and I relayed to both Susan and her therapist what I'd come up with since Sunday:
Essentially, to me, it all comes down to lack of trust. Yeah, there's depression involved. Yeah, there's mental illness, there's medication involved. But, to me, somewhere in Susan's head, she doesn't trust me...because otherwise, those thoughts wouldn't be there to magnify and blow out of proportion. As much as Susan denies it and says that she does, the actions taken by her don't lend those denials any credence. To me, anyways.
What this means for me, is that every time another episode happens, I draw away. If I don't feel like I can be trusted, I can't trust that person in return...especially when that mistrust is reinforced so often. So, I pull away...emotionally and physically. I haven't been able to relax around Susan ever since October. Not as much as I need to, not to make her feel calm about things. So, it's just been a long, vicious circle.
The therapist did give us some suggestions, and talked through what we were both feeling...I'm not sure how much it'll help, but I do actually feel a lot better now. Here's hoping this continues...and here's also hoping Susan will find another way to vent her fears other than to do so around me. Because...that's really all I need, to help make her feel better.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Updates and Progress
A lot has firmed up in the last couple of months. We've done by this point 19 out of 25 chapters of More Than Two as group discussion, which has led to some hard conversations, but also allowed us all to get a much better idea of where we all are. We've been using a group text messaging app, since cell phone texts commonly get lost, especially in a group setting. We've also all sat down on a few occasions for group voice conversations, using the same app, but those are more dicey, and don't allow for re-read of what was said.
We had been doing the sessions weekly, but Susan realized a few weeks ago that, especially with her up-and-down cycle of emotions, that she was barely getting the chance to breathe after a session before jumping right back into working on the next one. So, now we're doing them every other week instead.
I think some of the problems come from the fact that Trina, especially, has such a different thought process and sense of what's important than Susan or I do. Toby, at least at this point, hasn't had any strong opinions one way or the other...he seems to be along for the ride, more than anything.
One of the major conversations has been about the new house. Oh yeah - we're definitely moving back to Virginia. So, in May, Trina and Susan will meet up down there and spend a week looking at houses. But...just getting to a point of what's acceptable to live in is a pressure point on things. For instance, Trina has lived in shoeboxes essentially their whole life. They like the idea of living with as few possessions as possible.
Contrast that with us, who have, over the years, been attempting, and largely succeeding, at getting better quality furniture, including a pool table, a gaming table, a king size bed, a huge solid wood entertainment center...you get the idea. But that does mean we need extra space. We need space for our computer desks. I like large kitchens, more so since we'll be doubling the amount of people roaming through it.
All of this adds up. And with everything involved, essentially we're looking at 6 bedroom houses, with multiple extra spaces. We did end up having a long voice chat over this last night, finally, but Susan and I aren't really happy that we're essentially forcing a much larger place on Trina, especially, than they'd want otherwise. It doesn't seem like there's any way to give them what they want. Toby did jump in to say that there's really no middle ground to be had, and that helps, but...we do need to figure out what else to do.
____
In other news, Susan's had some fairly extreme depressive cycles ever since November. It's possible that one of her medications affected her long-term, even after she was taken off of it, but...dealing with her cycles has put a strain on our relationship. It felt for a while like we were playing whack-a-mole with her fears and anxieties. Every time I thought we'd dealt with one, another two would rear their ugly heads. A few weeks ago, it got to the point where I had to say "enough was enough" for a while. For those who are into gaming, it felt like I was "tanking" both Susan's anxieties, as well as some of Trina's issues with the potential move. I'd finally reached my own wall, where I needed especially Susan to not come to me any more with her shit.
And...that hurts. We've been in this dynamic for almost fifteen years now. We have a problem, we sit and talk it out, and it gets resolved. Except...this wasn't resolving. It was simply hammer blow after hammer blow of fears of me abandoning her, whether physically or emotionally. And, well, that many hammer blows started resulting in cracks. Upon advice of her therapist, she did ask me to, when a subject came up that she felt that, if pursued, would lead to more depression, to let the topic alone and not push.
Of course, that only works so well on my end...and at least a couple of times I misread/ misheard what was being said, and ended up pushing anyways. Our last group conversation, in fact, that happened, and while it was handled okay in the moment, that upwell of emotions ended up with Susan not in the right headspace to read correctly what was said later on, which led to a huge blowup both in chat and afterwards.
Since then, we've mostly repaired the damage that was done that night, but...not completely. Her therapist finally got around to asking if I minded coming in for a couple of couple's sessions. We were actually set up to go together last week, but at the last minute, we got cancelled on due to her therapist's illness. So, today will be our first session together.
_____
I go to see Trina in late April for a long weekend. The only plans we have firm are to go visit a hot springs in the area...I'm really looking forward to that. I'm also just looking forward to spending time with them in general...their visit in January was nice, but nowhere near long enough for my liking!
That'll likely be the last chance I get to see them before the move to Virginia...after that I'll be in uber-packing mode. And really, I'll be in "must pack" mode even before then, so that I don't get too far behind the curve.
_____
So yeah, that's where we're at for now. The move is definitely happening, and there's definitely issues to work out between us as a group, and between some of us as individuals. But...I still have hope that once we're all in the same place, it'll ease a lot of the issues that I think are only compounding because the physical presence isn't there.
We had been doing the sessions weekly, but Susan realized a few weeks ago that, especially with her up-and-down cycle of emotions, that she was barely getting the chance to breathe after a session before jumping right back into working on the next one. So, now we're doing them every other week instead.
I think some of the problems come from the fact that Trina, especially, has such a different thought process and sense of what's important than Susan or I do. Toby, at least at this point, hasn't had any strong opinions one way or the other...he seems to be along for the ride, more than anything.
One of the major conversations has been about the new house. Oh yeah - we're definitely moving back to Virginia. So, in May, Trina and Susan will meet up down there and spend a week looking at houses. But...just getting to a point of what's acceptable to live in is a pressure point on things. For instance, Trina has lived in shoeboxes essentially their whole life. They like the idea of living with as few possessions as possible.
Contrast that with us, who have, over the years, been attempting, and largely succeeding, at getting better quality furniture, including a pool table, a gaming table, a king size bed, a huge solid wood entertainment center...you get the idea. But that does mean we need extra space. We need space for our computer desks. I like large kitchens, more so since we'll be doubling the amount of people roaming through it.
All of this adds up. And with everything involved, essentially we're looking at 6 bedroom houses, with multiple extra spaces. We did end up having a long voice chat over this last night, finally, but Susan and I aren't really happy that we're essentially forcing a much larger place on Trina, especially, than they'd want otherwise. It doesn't seem like there's any way to give them what they want. Toby did jump in to say that there's really no middle ground to be had, and that helps, but...we do need to figure out what else to do.
____
In other news, Susan's had some fairly extreme depressive cycles ever since November. It's possible that one of her medications affected her long-term, even after she was taken off of it, but...dealing with her cycles has put a strain on our relationship. It felt for a while like we were playing whack-a-mole with her fears and anxieties. Every time I thought we'd dealt with one, another two would rear their ugly heads. A few weeks ago, it got to the point where I had to say "enough was enough" for a while. For those who are into gaming, it felt like I was "tanking" both Susan's anxieties, as well as some of Trina's issues with the potential move. I'd finally reached my own wall, where I needed especially Susan to not come to me any more with her shit.
And...that hurts. We've been in this dynamic for almost fifteen years now. We have a problem, we sit and talk it out, and it gets resolved. Except...this wasn't resolving. It was simply hammer blow after hammer blow of fears of me abandoning her, whether physically or emotionally. And, well, that many hammer blows started resulting in cracks. Upon advice of her therapist, she did ask me to, when a subject came up that she felt that, if pursued, would lead to more depression, to let the topic alone and not push.
Of course, that only works so well on my end...and at least a couple of times I misread/ misheard what was being said, and ended up pushing anyways. Our last group conversation, in fact, that happened, and while it was handled okay in the moment, that upwell of emotions ended up with Susan not in the right headspace to read correctly what was said later on, which led to a huge blowup both in chat and afterwards.
Since then, we've mostly repaired the damage that was done that night, but...not completely. Her therapist finally got around to asking if I minded coming in for a couple of couple's sessions. We were actually set up to go together last week, but at the last minute, we got cancelled on due to her therapist's illness. So, today will be our first session together.
_____
I go to see Trina in late April for a long weekend. The only plans we have firm are to go visit a hot springs in the area...I'm really looking forward to that. I'm also just looking forward to spending time with them in general...their visit in January was nice, but nowhere near long enough for my liking!
That'll likely be the last chance I get to see them before the move to Virginia...after that I'll be in uber-packing mode. And really, I'll be in "must pack" mode even before then, so that I don't get too far behind the curve.
_____
So yeah, that's where we're at for now. The move is definitely happening, and there's definitely issues to work out between us as a group, and between some of us as individuals. But...I still have hope that once we're all in the same place, it'll ease a lot of the issues that I think are only compounding because the physical presence isn't there.
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