Last weekend was one of the hardest we've had since this all started. Susan's birthday was just around the corner, so we made plans to celebrate it on Saturday. At first, it seemed to go well. I made crepes, with a cream cheese filling, that went over smashingly. After lunch, Susan took a nap, because migraines exist, and after watching the US win gold for curling, I went down for what was supposed to be an hour as well.
Of course, my phone didn't set the alarm off on time, so I ended up oversleeping by about a half hour. Dinner was about an hour away, and we also wanted to see Black Panther, which only had a few showtimes. We didn't think we'd need to make a reservation for dinner...we figured we'd bump up our anticipated showing by an hour, and it'd be fine.
Susan, just to make sure, ended up calling the restaurant on the way up...only to realize that the earliest reservation time was about an hour and change after we'd arrive, way later than we thought. First "oops" of the night. Then, the movie theater right by the place ended up having so few seats, that there weren't any left for us for the night. So, plan B...go to dinner still, and then see the late showing at the theater closer to home...or postpone it for Sunday.
So we got there, went up and down the small mall that was close by, and picked out a pair of candles for the house. Then, we figured, fuck it...went to the restaurant, and luckily they had a table for two that was ready a good forty-five minutes early. Yay! Food was outstanding, and we got out of there in plenty of time to make the late showing at the theater. Well, actually, could have gotten into the one before that, but it was 3D and neither of us like that. So we waited.
The movie was good; by the time it got home it was almost 1am, both of us were tired, and she still had her migraine. Now, normally, it wouldn't matter and we'd still try for happy fun times, but...we talked about it, and decided to do part II of the birthday celebration the next day.
And then she had an anxiety episode. I don't even know what it was about at this point. All I remember is that, on what should have been, and really was, a happy day for her, it still wasn't enough. I ended up with her crying on my shoulder...again. Eventually, we talked through...whatever it was, I don't even think it was anything really major, and drifted off to sleep.
The next day, Susan went off to church. I couldn't tell you what happened for much of the rest of the day, but after dinner, she was typing out on her phone a list of self-affirmations. "He loves me. He wants me. He's in love with me"...there was more to it, but that's where my mind stopped. She wanted me to confirm everything on there was true. I did add in "I deserve to be loved" at the end...but I wasn't as committal about the rest as I should have been.
Not long after, I turned on the closing ceremonies...we watched that for about a half hour or so together, and then I got up to clean up the kitchen and dining room. While I did that, I also did a lot of thinking, and realized some things.
I asked Susan to join me, and I laid out what was on my mind:
1) I asked her what her biggest fear was. Essentially, it was losing me...it's me saying that I wanted out of our relationship as it currently was. We talked about that, and I pointed out that overall, we had been in a good place in October, and over the summertime. We were happy together. It's why we both felt comfortable suggesting a move-in with Toby and Trina to begin with. All of our problems since then, were Susan's fears that I'd shove her away...but without those fear and anxieties popping up, I wouldn't be having any issues. And that's what I was having difficulty with...the fact that her fears were the only things driving us apart.
2) I am, essentially, someone who does not respond well to demands or orders. When it comes to things that I'm told I need to do, or anytime I feel pressure to do something...I dig my heels in. Even when I know it will help things, even when I know it's in my own best interest, my orneriness pops up and says "nope. not happening". Susan had, over the last several months, become very needy in regards to affection. As I told her therapist yesterday, what I liken it to is Susan grasping at a handful of sand to keep it from flowing out...not realizing that she'd hold onto more by opening up and not trying so hard to hold on to it.
Afterwards, she confronted me again with her affirmations list from earlier. After a long and painful discussion, I finally had to admit...I wasn't in love with her anymore.
______
That...wasn't a pleasant conversation. Neither one of us really knew where to go from there. We were supposed to have book club with Trina and Toby Monday night, but instead we asked them to talk over voice. We told them what was going on, so that they could have full agency in making the best decisions they needed to make. I confirmed that I still wanted to have everyone together, as did Susan, and both of them confirmed they still wanted to come out and live with the both of us.
We ended up rambling about some other things, but overall, we were in a more upbeat mood when we went to bed that night.
Tuesday afternoon was our second appointment as a couple with her therapist. The first had been mostly background, but I don't think she was expecting the developments from the weekend. So we talked through, and I relayed to both Susan and her therapist what I'd come up with since Sunday:
Essentially, to me, it all comes down to lack of trust. Yeah, there's depression involved. Yeah, there's mental illness, there's medication involved. But, to me, somewhere in Susan's head, she doesn't trust me...because otherwise, those thoughts wouldn't be there to magnify and blow out of proportion. As much as Susan denies it and says that she does, the actions taken by her don't lend those denials any credence. To me, anyways.
What this means for me, is that every time another episode happens, I draw away. If I don't feel like I can be trusted, I can't trust that person in return...especially when that mistrust is reinforced so often. So, I pull away...emotionally and physically. I haven't been able to relax around Susan ever since October. Not as much as I need to, not to make her feel calm about things. So, it's just been a long, vicious circle.
The therapist did give us some suggestions, and talked through what we were both feeling...I'm not sure how much it'll help, but I do actually feel a lot better now. Here's hoping this continues...and here's also hoping Susan will find another way to vent her fears other than to do so around me. Because...that's really all I need, to help make her feel better.
