Roots of Jealousy

So before we opened the doors to polyamory (well, this time anyway), Susan and I had several discussions over jealousy on both ends.  When I asked how she would feel if I started a relationship with another woman, she responded by saying that most likely, she would have an issue with it, until she could become adjusted to the situation.

Some background:  Susan has a slight cognitive disability, stemming from a bad car accident years ago.  She has some difficulty concentrating, especially when something is being told to her.  It also reduces her ability to multi-task to nearly nil.  Finally, her short term memory is almost non-existent.  She has to set reminders whenever I ask her to do something, or whenever she knows a task needs to be accomplished.

All of this means that, especially coupled with the on again-off again school scheduling where we live, that she hasn't been able to find a job that would be worth the time and effort.  She hasn't really worked at all since before our elder child was born...and thus she feels rather dependent upon me for the basic needs.  She also has some weight issues; she's rather tall, just a couple inches shorter than I am...so that accounts for some of it.  But she never lost all of her baby weight, and she's self conscious about her body anyway.

So she has some understandable insecurities about our stability, even with us being married for almost nine years, and even without any true fight between us for that entire time.  We sat down this week, the day after Trina and I broke down the sexual wall between us, and discussed all of that, and worked our way through her jealousy.

What was really interesting was that Susan couldn't pin down what it was.  She had no problem with the sex.  She had some problems with who it was with, but recognized that it wasn't really her call to make past a certain point. 

Now, to be fair, she DID have an issue with Trina, in that T wasn't willing to enter a sort-of-exclusive, more romantic commitment.  She had hoped that I would enter a more...loving, I guess, type of relationship, something that would result in her becoming part of the family overall.

But then, we don't always get what we're looking for.  In all honesty, I would never have thought I'd end up with someone like Susan...both physically as well as in temperament.  I had always had an image of someone else in my head...and then I met her and all that went out the window.  It's so far ended up the same with Trina.  I want one thing, but here's something else...Susan calls it settling, and maybe to a certain extent it is, but I also know that Trina is not very likely to be a lifelong companion either.

In this case, I'm walking in, knowing what's going on, and knowing that it's not likely to last.  I do, however, get some fun experiences (not all about the sex...I'd never have willingly gone for dancing if she hadn't followed up with me), as well as some much needed experience in dealing with women as a whole.  Keep in mind, I've only ever dated two women prior to Trina...one of whom I've been married to for almost a decade.  It kind of skews my perceptions about women in general to a certain extent.

After discussing all of that, Susan broke down her fears of me leaving, either with Trina, who's "perfect for me" (uh, no...nowhere near perfect), or with someone like her down the road.  I comforted her with the truth of the matter...that I am not willing to lose Susan over other people.  I did ask if she wanted me to stop seeing her, and talked about the fact that if one of us was poly, then that meant that both of us was.  In the end, she was very quick to decline my offer of rolling things back into monogamy...topic closed there, for now at least.

I made sure I gave her my attention while we were talking, and in the end she was mostly comforted...later in the week, just prior to us attending a poly meetup, she disclosed that she finally nailed down what she was jealous over: not the sex, but the friendship I have with Trina.  We chat over text a fair amount, and she's been around a fair bit.  I'd thought that Susan had a similar style of dialogue with Ryan, but apparently they're not as chatty as I'd thought, which is kind of a shame.

Once she realized that, though, she was able to work herself past it and put herself on solid ground.  Overall, I'm thankful that we had the experience we did this week...it showed that we can still communicate like adults, and work through problems instead of arguing about them and having it affect our relationship in a negative way.

Where We Stop, Nobo - Oh, Here!

Well, that was not what I expected...

Trina had her date last Saturday, and while she didn't exactly get to have sex, she and her date did at least enjoy themselves immensely.  She showed up early Sunday morning to retrieve her youngling, and ended up staying a little later than she thought she would.  She did eventually take her kid though, which left me time to take care of stuff around the house.

She came back in plenty of time for us to make dancing, and actually get our lesson this week.  Some of the basic moves finally clicked for me, and I did a lot better during the lesson.  I was looking forward to putting that lesson to use...but I'd noticed Trina had went to sit down towards the end of the lesson.  (The way they do it is kind of round-robin, for the lesson anyway.  They show a move, you practice a few times with one person, then everyone rotates around the room.  Social plus you get a feel for how different people move.)

When the lesson ended, I went to ask if she wanted back on the floor to try and put everything together, only to find out that she had an upset stomach.  So we made our apologies and drove back home.  Her stomach was better, but still not 100% by the time we got home, so we made our way upstairs to lay down and cuddle for a bit while the kids played downstairs and outside.

We settled on a movie, and lay down to watch...and then her hand started roaming.  Now, to be fair, she had kind of teased before, especially since I tend to wear loose shorts.  She'd let her hand run underneath, just kind of touching the high thigh area and nothing more.  That definitely was not a barrier this time, and one thing led to another.  Thankfully, I'd had the foresight to buy condoms and stash them prior.

We finished, put ourselves together while finishing watching our movie, then went downstairs to start dinner and hang out with Susan.  That night, there was no issue.  After Trina left, Susan and I had a chat about things, and she promised me she had no problem with any of it.

Cue the next day.  After I got home from work, Susan told me that she realized that she was jealous after all, and so we sat down and talked about it.  We went back and forth, trying to pin down what it was she was jealous over...because it wasn't just a generic, green eyed monster kind of thing.

More on the discussion in the next post, but we talked and everything came out okay.

So then later that night, the topic of testing came up...one I really should have had before, but I figured with a condom and with what I knew of her recent sex life, it wasn't too much of a risk.  We got all the questions answered to our satisfaction, awkward though it was over text.

Wednesday I was supposed to go over to her house so I could spend time with her without her kid and our youngest going toe to toe, especially since the next day she was babysitting for us.  Of course, what's the ONE freaking day that I have to work way stupid late?  So I didn't get to see her then.  Thursday was very brief; Susan and I dropped our munchkins off at her place so we could go to a poly meetup (mostly a waste of time).

Today Susan left to go see Ryan after a couple weeks of not being able to; he's in the middle of moving...I had the opportunity to go over to her place while she was getting it ready for her date from last week and his wife to come over for a night there, but Susan wanted to leave before all the traffic hit...so that was a no-go.  We're supposed to meet tomorrow morning, but then she has plans early afternoon on into the night, so I'm probably going to be sleeping alone for the next couple of nights until Susan gets back.

All in all, a confusing, wild ride of a week.

Round and Round We Go...

Susan and Ryan had a good visit with each other, from all I hear.  They were able to attend another poly group in his neck of the woods, and for whatever reason closed groups were the bane of their existence during the meeting.  Triads or Quads just didn't work, in their eyes.  No idea why.

On the home front, Trina did come over.  We watched the first movie of the original Star Wars trilogy (or, in her words, the only Star Wars...episodes 1-3 do not exist in her world.  I didn't ask about Clone Wars.)  She came over late enough that our youngling was already down in bed, and the older one was just about ready for bed as well, so it ended up being a quiet night.

She did forget her table, so no massage for me...sadness.  We pretty much stayed cuddled up for the whole movie; her son made it about halfway through the movie and then passed out.  He got shifted off to a spare kid mattress, and shortly before midnight we went lights out.

It's been quite some time since I've done a "first night sleeping" with someone new.  I'd forgotten how absurdly awkward it can be in some ways, and how hyper aware I am of the other person.  As well, Susan and I have, over time, developed this thing where we cuddle until we're about ready to pass out, then retreat to our separate sides of the bed.  She's more stable in her sleep (except when she isn't), and I'm an A1 certified night tosser.

So it was kind of a shock to my system to find that Trina was, in another life, a barnacle.  I'm exceedingly thankful we didn't try that during the hot nights a couple weeks ago...we'd have just melted into goo.  I ended up getting more sleep than she did...and mine wasn't much, at least restful.  We woke up about 6ish for good, but spent the next couple of hours just laying in bed and talking before finally giving up the ghost and going downstairs for breakfast and the other two parts of the set.

Trina and I ended up going to dancing again Sunday; it took me about an hour to remember all the stuff I'd forgotten from the first lesson.  I had thought there wasn't to be a lesson this time, but was wrong...so everyone was wanting to try some of the new stuff, I'm supposed to be leading the women who are dancing with me, and I'm just drawing complete blanks.  We had fun though!

As we were coming up to the place where the dance was being held, though, she made an offhand remark that basically said that it was because I'm military that she doesn't want to go further.  Which makes some sense...her husband is getting ready to get out very early next year, and she's disillusioned with it entirely.

But that only goes so far. It's not like I'm planning missions, or am in charge of anything remotely resembling policy.  I'd understand it a lot more if we were single, dating with the intention of getting together...many people are just not cut out to be military spouses, and that's fine.  But she approaches it, at least from what I can tell, as an active dislike that the military exists. (Political leanings, and that's as far as I'm going with that.)

So it makes her stop and wonder, and second (or fourth) guess herself.  How far does she take things with me before her principles bend?  How far before something gives?  To be fair, she does understand that she is being rather on the fence about things, and has apologized repeatedly.  Last night, she came over, and cuddled on the couch with me while watching another movie.  For someone who doesn't want to take things to the next level, she was definitely doing a lot of teasing...both of herself and of me.  Today, she apologized again for it, and what I told her was this:

If I was single, I might be wanting to push things toward a resolution more.  But I'm not, and I am enjoying the journey to wherever this is leading us.  Take it for what it is, and have fun with it. 

I've basically told her, repeatedly, that I'm not going to force the issue, and that sex is her choice.  I think it's starting to sink in that I'm really not going to get upset at her, that I am going to tease right back, and generally just have a good time whenever she's around.  She's also going on a date with someone else Saturday (I know this because we're watching her munchkin overnight that night), and hopefully for her sake she gets laid and is able to calm down somewhat.  I don't want her making a choice she'll regret just because she needs sex that badly.  I'd rather her say no to me entirely, or else come to me because she legitimately wants to be with me.

Push Me, Pull You

Labor Day weekend saw Ryan down for an overnight visit (Saturday afternoon to Monday morning).  We made an event out of it, and invited Trina and her son over as well.  For the most part, everyone enjoyed themselves...I made barbecued chicken and everyone fairly well stuffed themselves with food.  Ryan and Trina's son were okay around each other, and there weren't any major problems with the kids as a whole, for a change.

Ryan ended up taking my spot in my bed for the duration of his visit.  I sleep on my stomach, and all the itchiness meant that I really didn't want to sleep on it.  So I ended up sleeping downstairs on our new couch...more comfortable than our old one, but not really a bed replacement.  It did, however, mean that I was likely the coolest person in the house.  The last week of August is typically the most stifling, and the only week that we really wish we had AC.  This year, that extended about a week into September, and in our house, all the hot air rises to the second floor.  Being on the ground floor myself, I actually had somewhat of a breeze through the windows.  I wasn't going to argue with that!

This last weekend was a busy one.  We watched Trina's son on Firday night so she could go out...so thankful that I don't have boys.  On Saturday she watched our girls for the evening, so we could go watch a standup comedy show we got free tickets for.  Then Sunday she dropped off her kid and the two of us went off to go learn how to swing dance.

I proved that I have absolutely no place on a dance floor (but we're going back this Sunday anyways).  Toward the end of the evening, though, and on our way back home, she basically offered up sex.  I wasn't really prepared for it, and when she asked how I felt about it, I wasn't really able to say anything but "this is all new to me" and talk about my own lack of history in dating.  We followed up the next day; I told her that I had a few reservations...her husband being deployed, logistics of where we'd hook up (she's in a one bedroom apt and her kid sleeps in the same room as her), and then addressing some stuff she'd shared about her own history of sex.  Basically, I just needed to work my way through it in my head...and that was enough room that she had second thoughts.

She'd already said she didn't want a true relationship with me, and confirmed that she'd only be friends with benefits at best...I'm not sure how that would work out.  But in the time it took me to think about it, she'd already made up her mind to reverse the offer and confirm the friendzone.

Then last night we were texting back and forth, and she made the comment that she was "going to explode if she didn't get laid.  If I was interested."  Now, there's two ways to take that...we were, admittedly, discussing some TMI stuff prior to.  It could have been construed as the obvious, "are you interested in sex?" or also as "just in case you wanted to know what I'm going through, here's what I'm feeling."  Guess which one it ended up being?  There was further conversation, where I made the offer to sleep over - we were also making plans to watch movies this weekend, and then she made sure to backtrack and specify that she still "does not want a sexual relationship with me right now.''

I have known women who would blow my half of the conversation completely out of the water, and I know guys who would have gotten extremely pissed at seemingly being offered sex and then having it yanked away.  There's many, many ways that particular exchange could have made things go downhill very fast...and for both of us, we managed to navigate the miscommunication effectively enough that plans are still on for a movie night sleepover, in bed (since Susan will be visiting Ryan).

And then today she sends me a text offering to bring her massage table to give me a full massage to keep in practice (she actually went to school for that, so it makes sense.)  I think she just likes tormenting herself.  And me.  /facepalm