Evolution of Ideas

A common theme for Susan is an evolution of her thoughts.  It was that way when we first started this whole venture into poly, it was that way when she was trying to figure out what she was jealous over with Trina, and it's that way now for what she wants for us.

She came up with a term, one that's probably seen the light of day before, but one which I'd never seen: she says that she is emotionally bisexual, but physically straight, or at least mostly.  She wants to cuddle with another woman, even when no clothes exist, and would likely have no trouble playing with another woman's boobs, but just doesn't want to venture below the waist.  Makes sense to me.

Long Term Goals / Short Term Plans

After the events of the other night, when Trina told me that she didn't really envision us having a sexual relationship (or any relationship that could be considered more than FWB), Susan and I sat up talking of all things poly, at least insofar as they related to us.

Of note, we rehashed ideal body types for me...for once not in a "I'm jealous of the way she looks" discussion.  Instead, it turned into a dialogue over why I chose her if my "type" is something that she's not.  My response was that looks aren't everything.  We just mesh really well, and have ever since we first met.  You don't get that with everyone, and it was the one reason I couldn't stay away after she tried to work her previous marriage out.

We moved from there on to ideal matches...Trina is definitely not that, not what I'm looking for long term.  And Susan knows that, and was saddened for me when we realized she wouldn't be.  As it turns out, what both of us want is a live-in, long term (preferably lifetime) girlfriend for me.  Susan wants a boyfriend that lives in the same house, but doesn't necessarily want to share sleeping space with him.  Odd, and she doesn't exactly know why, but true.

What she does want, and what matches my desires, is another woman to share our bed...well, a larger bed, really.  Which is odd, because both of us are straight...but she wants to cuddle with and around another woman.  So, basically, a unicorn who doesn't need to necessarily be attracted to Susan, but can mesh with both of us reasonably well, and doesn't mind coming into a family situation.

I have a feeling my journey for such a match make Odysseus' trek home look like a walk in the park.

___

In other news, Susan and I were invited to a regionally semi-famous poly party a couple of weeks from now.  Trina has graciously agreed to watch our kids overnight, and it'll be the first time Ryan, Susan, and I have gone anywhere all together.  There's plans for discussion groups and the like throughout the night.  My hope is that the groups are small enough that everyone who wants to contribute actually can.

Our local poly group last month had, for the first time since I started going, more than 15 or so people show...and it ended up being more like fifty!  The dynamic of the discussion between my first few times going and that last one was totally and completely different, and I know that many people ended up getting skipped over.

I think the best part of the party is that it specifies that there are children attending, so sexual activities are verboten for the evening.  For a first time attending that kind of party, it'll help both of us feel more comfortable, I think.  The more I think about it, the more I look forward to attending...and so does Susan!

Attempt is...BLOCKED!

Juggling alone time with young children around is occasionally troublesome, on the whole.  In my recent life, the word "occasionally" is defined as "every single bloody time I'm alone with Trina."

Well, to be fair, last weekend we weren't quite alone...we also had Susan in bed with us.  We were attempting to have a semi-drunken...cuddle party.  Yeah, we'll call it that.  Only problem was, while my kids go down to bed relatively easily, her munchkin hates sleep with the unholy passion usually reserved for dieters chasing after a pack of Oreos.

He was left alone downstairs to watch a movie to calm down, and when we went down to check to see if he was becoming sleepy, nope.  He had infiltrated the pantry and had an array of snacks and juice boxes all around him...sigh.  So that all got cleaned up, and then at the end of the movie, Trina went to collect him with the intention of putting him on the end of our bed, and letting him fall asleep to the show we were watching.  Of course, he fought and struggled every step of the way...by the time he passed out and I carried him to the spare mattress, it was already close to 11pm and Trina was out.

I cuddled with Susan for a while, and started playing with her.  As we were getting into that, Trina woke behind us, and so it was, for a short time, rather interesting.  Susan finished off, and we lay there chatting for a while.  Then, it was Trina's turn to receive some attention...and of course, JUST as her shorts come off, her munchkin wakes up and comes in.  She's over it, calls it a night, gets dressed and takes him downstairs to the couch to sleep.

Fast forward to last night.  Ryan was down visiting Susan, and just generally hanging out.  Dinner was done, nothing else was going on, and we were planning to watch Trina's kid later in the evening so she could attend a party with another guy.  No big deal; we had a couple of hours still, so I asked if she could give me a massage, since she wanted practice anyways.

Table was set up, we lock the door behind us for privacy, and before I can make it to the table, we start making out.  KNOCK, KNOCK...Susan needed something out of our bathroom, mood broken.  No worries, there's still plenty of time for the massage, and if we want to do anything after.  Except...Susan and Ryan are taking off to go get ice cream, and some essentials from the store.

Now, to be fair, Ryan is normally asleep by 8:30pm, because he has to be up fairly early in the morning.  It was about 6pm at this point, so I could kinda get it, especially since they had plans to watch a movie later.  But with them gone, it meant that we were the supervising adults for three kids, two of which get into frequent arguments with each other.  But a movie was in for them, so I figured it wasn't worth making them wait.

Cue massage.  And it went well, she actually does know her stuff, and she liked that she didn't have to drape me with sheets or anything...meant that she could actually reach all the muscles she wanted.  No groping on her table, solid rule for her, which I get...forms bad habits.

About ten minutes from the end, and I'm thinking once we're done, maybe we could finish what we started before I hopped up on the table.  Which, OF BLOODY COURSE, meant that the kids needed to shriek and yell bloody murder at each other.  Mood broken, massage done.

_____

Later in the evening, Trina was off to her party, her kid was sound asleep on the couch, my kids were down, and Ryan was asleep upstairs in our bed (I was being nice, and also watching DVR'd football games).  Susan came down to apologize for not realizing that she was potentially screwing up our alone time.

Apparently I am more aware of how my actions affect those around me then I thought...and also more aware than she is of how her actions affect me and others.  She's just obliviously moving through her life, and so for now at least, if I see something that might mean a possible misunderstanding or hard feelings come up, I need to tell her beforehand.

I felt better after the talk, but it didn't stop me from being a little hurt over it.  I'm bending over backwards to make damn sure whenever Ryan visits that they have enough time to themselves, for whatever they want to do.  Granted, Trina and I see each other far more, and Susan does watch her son so that we can go dancing most weeks, but that's not the same.  Her apartment is a single bedroom, and while I have gone over there a couple times during the week, by the time her son passes out, it's late enough that I need to leave due to work in the morning.  So the one time we have a chance to have other people watching the kids...and she takes off.

It's an issue, but it's one we can work through...and at least she's aware of the consequences of what happened now.  After the fact, of course, but aware nonetheless.

______

Edit: Later in the evening after writing this, Trina had come back to our place after dancing, and before we ate I cleared with both Susan and Trina some alone time for Trina and I upstairs.

This didn't exactly go as planned though; once we went into hiding, she expressed an issue over me casually commenting that Susan had said that I should take Trina out on a date at some point.  The topic of going out wasn't the problem, it was the word "date"...because the word is important, and she doesn't want me to be a boyfriend, or someone she dates.  We can do almost everything a boyfriend or a steady date does apparently, but using either term is a no-no.  I hope to eventually find someone who can explain that to me, but for now, whatever.
 
Not only that, but she also expressed reservations about having sex again.  I guess she was indeed truthful, in that she usually wants to have sex with her friends once just to get over the curiosity.  Of course, it doesn't stop either of us from playing with each other.  But for now, and for the foreseeable future, no Tab A into Slot B.

Issues.  They exist.  They're manageable, but they exist. 

Just Keep Digging...

Susan continues to work her way through her own insecurities in regards to the relationship between Trina and I. She's even seeking out a poly-friendly shrink, to help her. I can tell her all day long that she should listen to her what her logic is telling her, not her head, but then again since I'm the one that's involved...yeah.

I'm hoping she can actually resolve some of her fears...she actually managed to work it beyond the friendship thing, even beyond the whole fear of being less fun. It took her a bit, but she realized it stems from fear of abandonment...not from anything as a kid, but as an adult she's lost pretty much everyone she considered a friend, even before we moved away.  They all just moved on with their lives, and she got left behind. She's worried that I'll do the same.

I don't know how to comfort her well enough...I hope her psych can help her comfort herself.

Arr, Thar Be Dangerous Waters Ahead, Cap'n!

Last night Trina came over.  She's a massage therapist, though unlicensed, and hasn't had a chance to practice in a while.  So she came over, brought her table and gear, and I made sure Susan got first crack at a nearly professional massage.

After it was over, they came down and we all watched random TV until it was time for Trina to take off with her munchkin. Then she realized that her table was still upstairs and that she was dead tired.

She ended up crashing on our couch for the night; her kids was asleep on a bean bag our kids have, so he was taken care of.  I cuddled with her a bit before heading upstairs to bed.

Next morning I woke up super early to get ready for work...Susan was actually awake for once and got dressed and came down as well.  Trina woke up shortly before that, and so was able to pack her stuff up for an early departure.  As I was leaving, both women were standing at the door.  I had an awkward moment of "which do I hug first?"...not an everyday occurence for me, let me tell you!

Solution: group hug!  They laughed at the situation, and assured me that I'd handled it the best I could.  Of course, I made sure that each got their own hug and smooch before taking off...but that was definitely a new experience!

Jealousy, Redux

Last month, we bought tickets to a Halloween themed event at a semi-local theme park. I had figured I'd be able to get time off from work for a couple of days, to allow me to be able to go with them and not be completely wiped at work after the late drive back. It takes about two hours, in absolute best traffic, to get there, and the event was scheduled to open up at 3pm. I already knew it'd most likely be something like 1:30-2am before we got back.

Of course, I was unable to get out of work, and knew in advance that I wouldn't be able to get home until around 4pm...which put the travel up right into rush hour.  So I told Susan to just take the kids up, so they at least could enjoy themselves.

With Susan's knowledge, I made plans with Trina to just go over to her house right after work to hang out. We passed the time together, and I got occasional updates throughout the night as to what Susan and the kids were up to. I ended up going home about midnight, and stayed up til Susan brought the kids home about an hour later.

After all the unwinding of a fun day at the theme park, and installing the kids into their slumber receptacles, Susan told me that while what she had said last week was true, that she was jealous over the friendship Trina and I had, she was worried that I would think that Trina was more fun to be around, and eventually decide that our house wouldn't be "home" to me anymore.

Setting aside the fact that Trina is also married, and very much looking forward to her husband coming home (as well as the occasional date with other people she meets), I've lived with Susan for almost a decade.  I have absolutely no reason to abandon her in pursuit of another happily married (though poly) woman.  And I made sure that Susan knew that, and heard that from me.

I'm not exactly sure why I feel no jealousy towards her interactions with Ryan.  It almost comes as a relief to know that she is actually having those feelings in regards to myself and Trina...it kind of puts some sort of normalcy back into our lives, if that makes sense!

She made the suggestion, though only that - not a requirement - that I limit seeing Trina once during the week, not counting weekends.  We need to revisit that...I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, especially with how fluid everyone's schedule is.  I can understand why she wants that, but we'll have to see.