My wife and I recently managed to find a babysitter (rare event for us in particular) and we used the night off to attend a local poly group discussion. Different location from before, so we had no idea what to expect. We had one person who had attended previously that said that since he wasn't on time for the discussion during a previous event, he wasn't able to get into the circle. Thankfully that wasn't the case; we did get there at the start of intros, but everyone smooshed over nicely, and that carried throughout the night when more stragglers showed.
Everything went fine for the most part; much closer age spread to us and not as many...questionable characters. The one gripe I had was that the discussion was supposed to be lightly moderated by the organizer, but every topic that came up was a forever-long monologue from her before (and sometimes after) anyone else spoke. I'd have loved to see more of a chance to open up by not only us, but the other participants as well.
In our area, the poly group makeup and that of the local kink group is a fairly large overlap. Think thin crescent moons left not overlapped on a Venn diagram of the two. The organizer did bring up that they were thinking of making a specific poly group to handle both poly and kink within the same group, and letting the poly group focus more on the poly side of the house.
During the bit of discussion following, it was asked who at the table identified as kinksters, and my wife and I were the only ones who kept our hands lowered. Which didn't pose a problem; we felt that we got a lot out of it, and made some contributions...someone even mentioned that we had all coexisted rather well. But it did spark a thought in my head...when is kink not kink?
To be fair, my wife and I do engage in BDSM play. Restraints, a selection of floggers, "fun"ishment hand spankings, to the point of reddening, hair pulling, choking; all these have been used by me on her to the fun and enjoyment of us both. In many people's eyes, this would definitely be considered kinky sex, and even in our own eyes, it's definitely not anywhere close to vanilla.
So why don't we identify ourselves as kinksters? I'm not really sure. At this point, I think both of us like it too much to forgo it for the rest of our lives; we'd need to enjoy the rougher side of sex at least once in a while, if only for variety's sake. But it's not a lifestyle for us. We aren't in a DD relationship, we're not even in a D/s relationship. I am far more dominant than she is...and since I realized that she is actually submissive rather than dismissive, that dominant side to me has come out more. But it's not a D/s thing as we define it. We don't engage in enough BDSM sex in order for that to count, and at that, what we do is fairly tame when compared to the vast majority of those who view themselves as kinsters.
If I had the ways and means, I would set up a dungeon in our house. I would furnish it with a St. Andrew's Cross, a padded sawhorse, and at least one or two other items of dungeon furniture. Floggers and paddles would be hung up on the wall. I'd even have a violet wand and accessories floating around somewhere. If this was the case, I would have no doubt that she would be a willing participant and let me exercise, and exorcise, myself on her. But even if all that were to happen, I still don't think we'd identify ourselves as kinksters.
It's a state of mind, I think. When it's time to talk about it, or plan it, or participate in it, we're fully engaged, wholly focused in the moment and in the scene. But when it's over, or it's time to move on to something else, it all gets folded away and stored somewhere in the backs of our minds. We don't eat, breathe, and live BDSM for the sake of BDSM...and at least for the two of us, that makes all the difference. Doesn't make us any better, or any worse, than the others at the table...just a difference of mindset.
Everything went fine for the most part; much closer age spread to us and not as many...questionable characters. The one gripe I had was that the discussion was supposed to be lightly moderated by the organizer, but every topic that came up was a forever-long monologue from her before (and sometimes after) anyone else spoke. I'd have loved to see more of a chance to open up by not only us, but the other participants as well.
In our area, the poly group makeup and that of the local kink group is a fairly large overlap. Think thin crescent moons left not overlapped on a Venn diagram of the two. The organizer did bring up that they were thinking of making a specific poly group to handle both poly and kink within the same group, and letting the poly group focus more on the poly side of the house.
During the bit of discussion following, it was asked who at the table identified as kinksters, and my wife and I were the only ones who kept our hands lowered. Which didn't pose a problem; we felt that we got a lot out of it, and made some contributions...someone even mentioned that we had all coexisted rather well. But it did spark a thought in my head...when is kink not kink?
To be fair, my wife and I do engage in BDSM play. Restraints, a selection of floggers, "fun"ishment hand spankings, to the point of reddening, hair pulling, choking; all these have been used by me on her to the fun and enjoyment of us both. In many people's eyes, this would definitely be considered kinky sex, and even in our own eyes, it's definitely not anywhere close to vanilla.
So why don't we identify ourselves as kinksters? I'm not really sure. At this point, I think both of us like it too much to forgo it for the rest of our lives; we'd need to enjoy the rougher side of sex at least once in a while, if only for variety's sake. But it's not a lifestyle for us. We aren't in a DD relationship, we're not even in a D/s relationship. I am far more dominant than she is...and since I realized that she is actually submissive rather than dismissive, that dominant side to me has come out more. But it's not a D/s thing as we define it. We don't engage in enough BDSM sex in order for that to count, and at that, what we do is fairly tame when compared to the vast majority of those who view themselves as kinsters.
If I had the ways and means, I would set up a dungeon in our house. I would furnish it with a St. Andrew's Cross, a padded sawhorse, and at least one or two other items of dungeon furniture. Floggers and paddles would be hung up on the wall. I'd even have a violet wand and accessories floating around somewhere. If this was the case, I would have no doubt that she would be a willing participant and let me exercise, and exorcise, myself on her. But even if all that were to happen, I still don't think we'd identify ourselves as kinksters.
It's a state of mind, I think. When it's time to talk about it, or plan it, or participate in it, we're fully engaged, wholly focused in the moment and in the scene. But when it's over, or it's time to move on to something else, it all gets folded away and stored somewhere in the backs of our minds. We don't eat, breathe, and live BDSM for the sake of BDSM...and at least for the two of us, that makes all the difference. Doesn't make us any better, or any worse, than the others at the table...just a difference of mindset.
